Answering Diner Patron Questions, Day 2When springtime hits and The Diner slows down, I open up the floor for Q&A. Here's stuff from Day 2.
First was a question from Mutt on a Mission, asking how I help teens deal with criticism. A couple of things play into this. I mean, some people are very sensitive (which is a wonderful trait) and others are have a harder shell (which is also a wondeful trait)...I mean, a coach could've yelled at me all day long and I never would've thought it was personal or taken it any other way than that's what coaches do to make you better. Then I'd have worked up an imitation of the coach to get laughs in the locker room. Other kids would've quit.
But the common thread I teach teenagers, regardless of their personality traits, is they have to be grounded in their identity in Christ. In fact, I'd say that's one of the more important things I drill repeatedly into my teens is an understanding of what it means to be a "new creature." If they get that, the damage from criticism is negated a bit.
The other thing I do is try to get them to make a distinction between criticism and a personal attack. If a coach told me I needed to work on my footwork and then showed me what to do, well, even if he was cussing and yelling and waving his arms, it wouldn't really matter. I'd better work on my footwork the way he just showed me. But if he was cussing me out, calling me names or making it personal in some other way, that's another matter...one in which I'd need to weigh my enjoyment of the game against playing for that coach (among other decisions). So, I teach teenagers that if you understand who you are and get an accurate understanding of what the critic is after, almost all criticisms are actually helpful to you. Takes the heat right off.
Next, Natalie wanted to know about how much you "push" a kid to be better at say, school or music or whatever. A very general rule of thumb is to let the kid do their own pushing. Every parent I know truly believes that if their kid "just applied themselves" they'd be "better." So, I've found the trick to it is to let the kids make their own choices and the parent should be a student of them. For example, I never had to ask my kid if she wanted to throw the ball or take batting practice. I always had to remind her to practice piano. They'll do what they enjoy and you won't have to tell them. So, why would you waste your money on something they really weren't enjoying? I know. I know..."But they'll regret not having taken piano when they're 35." Maybe. If so, they can call a teacher and take lessons then. That's kind of how I think the extracurricular stuff should work. The crucial thing parents say is "I want them to (insert whatever noble thing is)..." The reality is that they're their own people and God wired them certain ways. It's our job to study them and try to help them find that out. Trust me, I'm having to learn a great deal about ballet when I wanted her to hit softballs. And I certainly don't know much about painting.
Now, about school work, that's a bit different. We've got some firmer rules about getting work done before "fun" because the bigger picture of parenting requires helping our kids learn about discipline and structure--because most will have jobs working for someone else or need the discipline to run their own business. So I'm a bit more "between the lines" on getting school work done and done well. However, I've found the public schools here are plenty challenging for students, and I've found the structure of my other child's educational choice (going to, in effect, a correspondence school of sorts) to be one where we let the demands of the course work dictate her pace. If she wants to learn more she can always grab a book or watch a documentary. I remember when I was in school and I didn't take it seriously until grad school. So, Tracy and I let them dictate the flow, but there is a minimal base line of acceptance in grades. They haven't pushed that yet. We'll see what happens.
Next, Jilly wanted to know if I thought my life would've turned out differently if my dad hadn't died. I don't think there's any question. I went through my middle teen years without learning stuff that most guys learn, so I think I would've learned how to change oil and shoot guns and fish and all that. I think I would've learned a lot more about dating & marriage just from watching theirs--the good and the bad. I think I would've stuggled to pay for college (rememeber, U.S. Steel went out of business when I was about 17) and I don't know what dad would've thought about me and my changing majors and such at university. I wonder how my religious shift at 16 would've turned out given that the major drive in that was working through the anger at his death...and if he'd died, I have no idea if I'd even gone on that search in earnest. I think it's safe to say everything would've been different...from my wedding day to vacation choices to Christmas to seeing him as a grandfather and everything in between.
My favorite childhood memory? One time, in a big game, I was batting with the bases loaded, two outs, game tied. Dad, coaching third, called time out & called me over. First, he said, "Man, that Sandra Allen is really cute, huh?" Followed by, "Hey, it's a big at-bat. Dig in, do what we practiced and you'll be fine. Just enjoy the moment for a second, okay? How often do you get this experience? And, if you get a hit and we win, I love you. If you strike out on three pitches, I love you. Get in there and have some fun." He died abouut 5 months after that.
Laura wanted to know about friends of your child and their negative influences. I NEVER worry about that. Truly. Whenever I see my kids friends who might (or might not, my perception's been wrong before...hell, I was, and still am, the cause of bad perceptions) be negative influences, the question I ask is, "What is it about my child and their heart that leads them to want to hang around those types of kids." That's usually when I ramp up coffee's, breakfasts, etc., to get more conversations. No matter where my kids go, they'll be surrounded by the influences of culture and I want them to learn to deal with them now. Then I get to know the other kids and usually find out they're not so bad after all. Those that are that bad after all usually stop coming around after that.
On Lori's question about the emerging church group that hangs out in bars: Here's my stance on all "unique ministries." I'll trust that God has gifted them to do what they do and that they're doing it before Him as their sacrifice of worship. So, if a non-emerging group wants to form a ministry that golfs on Saturdays, more power to 'em. Now, what about them spending $110 a round to play? Isn't that eliminating a whole entire ministry potential group that can't afford it? Isn't it a stumbling block to some of those other guys who should be at home with their famiies instead of spending 4 hours on a Saturday with their buddies? You could ask those very same questions about almost any ministry and any group that gets together. So, you know what? If a bunch of mid-life crisis suburban Wild Hogs want to form a group to encourage each other and do what they enjoy together, or if a bunch of homemakers want to get together over lunch once a week, or some guys want to have an outreach to the porn industry (don't think it can be done? try the folks at "XXX church" who are doing it), I'll trust that God is in it, and they're on the up and up until proven otherwise. I always find it interesting that people apply standards to the "emerging" generation that they don't apply to their own age group. So, rock on Rick Warren. And rock on to those guys at the pubs. And rock on to suburban golfers, bikers & homemakers & businesswomen and everybody in-between. The kingdom's big enough for you. And me.
Goliath wanted to know about Reign Over Me: I'd put it in my top 10 list of excellent films I've ever seen (I'm not talking about Raising Arizona and Spinal Tap and Dumb & Dumber here, but simply great movies). Adam Sandler & Don Cheedle were brilliant and Oscar worthy. But it's old-school in that it's highly driven by dialogue. About "300": It's a poor-man's Braveheart, and you'll see clips shown at various sporting events for pump-up-the-crowd moments...and frankly, some of the battle scenes were wonderfully artistic. But, I'm not sure I'd be happy if I'd paid $9 for it.
Ian wanted to know where the girl he's supposed to marry is. I'd suggest that there's a pre-supposition there that he's supposed to get married...there are benefits and gifts to being single. However, if she's out there, my guess is that she's hanging out at some Bible-believing church, doing ministry and growing in Christ. She knows her identity in Him and doesn't need a guy to complete her. In other words, she's focusing on Christ, trusting Him, and if you show up, great. If not, she's doing her thing.
photo courtesy of the Associated Press
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