19 Things I Learned In 19 Years Of Youth Ministry, Part 11

It was kind of a big deal.

Tracy, for her 21st birthday, got an airline ticket to visit me in Dallas. I was in seminary after I'd graduated from college two months earlier, and she wanted to visit.

It was in my brain that we'd be having a very big D-T-R discussion that weekend. For the uninitiated, that's a "define the relationship" conversation that many people have once they're into a relationship for a significant length of time. We'd been dating 10 months or so, and I really wanted to put all my cards on the table.

I loved her. This much I knew.

She loved me. This much I felt pretty certain about. Tracy's not the kind of girl to say words like that and not mean them.

At issue was whether or not we should get married. I was thinking we should. I felt pretty certain she was thinking along the same lines. We'd had some preliminary discussions.

Her flight got in on Friday afternoon. By the time we got her checked in to the LaQuinta and settled, it was close to dinner time. There was a restaurant in Dallas called Chili's that lots of locals liked and we went there. Funny how 20 years later there's a Chili's almost everywhere that lots of locals liked and go there. At the time, it was a Dallas area chain getting a pretty good local following. We were more of less getting caught up on lots of stuff...this was before e-mails and cell phones and other stuff that shrinks the world. We actually mailed letters and, while we called every night, we kept it short. Long distance fees can add up.

Saturday she watched my intramural flag-football game, met some of my new friends, and we grabbed lunch. We watched some college football that afternoon. Then it was off to the restaurant in the local landmark lighted ball that is the signature of the Dallas skyline. The restaurant rotates the view. Slowly, but you get a different view of the city throughout the meal.

We discussed marriage. But more than that: Marriage to a youth minister. I figured love wasn't the issue at this point, but rather that she understood the reality of what she was getting into.

We talked about the traditionally low pay and accompanying low prestige.
We talked about the long hours.
We talked about the fishbowl (more on that tomorrow--the fishbowl, not the discussion of it) life.
We talked about the good stuff, too: Relationships, watching people grow in Christ, having a church family, etc.

And, we concluded that it would be worth it.

And, you know what? We were right. I know a lot of discussions about marriage at that age are pooling ignorance or loaded with idealism or romanticism, but we hit that main issues.

My wife knows what it's like to juggle bills. This one's only 30 days past due, but this one's 60 so we gotta pay that.
My wife knows what it's like to do without the latest fashions.
My wife knows what it's like to re-decorate on a shoestring.
My wife knows what it's like to hear her husband ridiculed or criticized by others.
My wife knows what it's like to have her husband come home an hour after he called from his office desk because some mom wanted "just a minute" in the parking lot before she went into her meeting.
My wife knows what it's like to have teenagers barge into her home unannounced and unfed right at dinner time.

But my wife also knows what it's like to have a church family be there for you in the good times and the bad.
My wife knows what it's like to have relationships that aren't built on what you have.
My wife knows what it's like to not care about getting new carpet because the kids'll spill cherry Kool-Aid on it anyway.
My wife knows what it's like to hear her husband praised in public circles.
My wife knows what it's like to have some flexibility in his job so he can grab lunch with her sometimes.
My wife knows what it's like for her house to be a home to more than just her family--from teenagers playing full-contact Uno to sharing their college acceptance letters to prayer to Bible study to friendly visits, our home was home to tons of others.

Our girls have never known anything other than having sets of older brothers and sisters that rotate every two to four years. They had teenagers visit the hospital after each of their births--and generally, teenagers are unaware that hospitals have visiting hours so they come when they feel like it. They've been going to high school events before they were even in school. They've had babysitters in excess. They've had teenagers give them advice on the teachers and schools they were going to before they went to those schools. They've had surrogate grandparents in excess. They've never known life without a church family. They've had opportunities that Tracy and I never had because of this gig. Of course, now they realize that sharing your bathroom with the senior guys' Bible study isn't that great of a thing...

But my point is this: Your Family Is In Youth Ministry As Much As You Are.

If you really believe effective discipleship is going to be life-on-life, you have to have a family that buys into that, too. And your family is going to be in that mix.

There will be E.R. nights with brownie mix at the ready because that's what the girls do. You'll have to go to the back for those.

There will be months where your wife will make more dinner than your family needs because she's observed the dinner-time drop-by habits of one teen who's single mom worked nights and his visits were regular. She'll also make every teen that is there at dinner time eat and play "hi-low" just like one of the family. She won't gripe to you later about it, either.

There will be times when students occupy the guest room and stay for a while. But she'll appreciate that other families trusted us with their own children.

There will be full-contact Uno. There will be guys having red-meat grill & movie night and they'll eat Brats for dessert. There will be extra junk food added to the grocery cart. Pop Ice wrappers will be written on the grocery list on the counter in handwriting that isn't indicative of anyone in your family. You'll have cabinets just for student ministry food because they ate the rest of your food, and your dishwasher use can double or triple with just glasses.

There will be nights you hurry home from your own children's sporting event or dance recital because the kids are coming over in their prom clothes in 20 minutes.

There will be dates interrupted because the kids pull up chairs next to yours at the restaurant or surround you at the movie.

There will be anniversaries missed because your husband is off in Holland, or Haiti, or a lock-in or whatever.

There will be times when a teenager spends 3 hours making small talk before they get to what they came over to talk about.

There will be times when a teenager comes by and says for you not to speak or talk to him. Just go on doing what you were doing because he just wants a reminder that all families aren't like his family. Your heart will break but you won't show it.

There will be nights where your husband is "there" but he isn't "there" because of what he talked about with a teen over coffee an hour ago.

There will be times when a teenager tells the deepest, darkest moments of life in your living room when three minutes before you were watching the hockey game.

There will be nights when your home and family has missionaries pull out the map and give your family and geography/history/culture lesson first-hand.

There will be times when the planned family night gets interrupted by another family's unplanned crisis. I could go on and on like this, too...

It will be great.

It will terrible.

It will be normal.

Surprisingly, we covered much of that in one sense or another during our dinner...which, by the way, allowed us to see the State Fair fireworks display as we spun around Big D...and I'm glad she "gets" it.

But make no mistake, your family is in this gig with you. Full throttle. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.