Stuff They Didn't Teach Me In Seminary, Part 2
(continued from yesterday's entry)
Your Family Will Sacrifice. Sure, when you were in school, the family was used to you being in the house without being really there, reading books or thinking about what else had to be done for the paper for that important class. But, because of the public nature of your work, people will criticize...and they won't feel particularly obligated to keep it out of earshot of your wife and/or children. Your children will have expectations heaped on them, and your parenting is under a microscope. Your home will be under seige from the "emergencies" (real or loosely-defined) that will wake you up, take you away from dinner, rob you of the night out, etc. In youth ministry, to do it well, the teens HAVE to come over, too...and you've got to go to their stuff an awful lot. Just know this is a reality, much like firemen, doctors, policemen, traveling businessfolk and others--so no pity-parties allowed. This comes with the gig and there's no more nobility in what you have to do than any other profession, and if you're thinking it'll all be spotlights--well, it's really more like a fishbowl. And your wife and kids are in it with you.
Spiritual Formation Is A Slow Business. Eugene Peterson said that and applying that small phrase might just keep you in ministry over the long haul. People are coming from all over the place in their spiritual journey and they all have their strengths and weaknesses. Some folks stroll in from supportive families and others from AA/NA meetings and others from early salvations and others from salvation at 60...you get the drift. When I was younger in ministry, I would live and die with a teen who came to Christ out of the drug world and the ups and downs of his post-salvation experience. Then I realized he'd string together a good week/relapse, good month/relapse, good 6 months/relapse, good year/no relapse, marriage/good decade. It takes time for growth, so patience is crucial. And you'll have teenagers that are further ahead than 45 year-olds, and teenagers who know better blow it consistently and 45-year-olds who turn on a dime and save their marriages. You just choose to love people where they are, teach them as they'll let you, and trust the Holy Spirit to grow them up. You really don't have much to do with that process when it comes right down to it...you just plant and water and let God produce the miracles.
For Youth Pastors: Parents Will Listen To Their Teens As If They've Never Told A Lie. All sorts of teenagers will leave your youth ministry, and they'll give their parents all sorts of high-minded reasons for wanting to go to Really Great Church Across Town. "I'm not learning anything." "I don't have any friends here." "The youth minister only has time for the cool kids." "My boss only schedules me Wednesdays and Sundays." For every one of those, there will be a teen who says he doesn't understand the lessons or they need to go where nobody knows them to start over or the youth minister only has time for the fringe kids. You can't win because the parents never bother to check with you on it, either. They'll actually believe their teen instead of asking you directly, "My teenager says he isn't learning anything. I can't imagine you're playing foosball for an hour every Sunday or you'd get fired, so what are you teaching, how are you teaching it and how can we help my teen have a better experience?" Listen, teens will tell their parents how much they LOVE the Sunday night Sunday school and leave the house only to meet their friends at WingStop--and you'll find this out when that parent tells you how happy they are since their kid is enjoying church, and you haven't seen him in six months. Parents won't really change so just accept it as an occupational hazard and move on...and remember, you've got a lot of kids who lied to their parents, too.
America Has A Consumer Mentality, And It Affects The Church. People will leave your church for all sorts of reasons. Rarely, if ever, will they tell you the real reason. Most of the time, it has something to do with a percieved need they have...like they want a bigger youth group, or a smaller one. They want deeper teaching, or more applicational. They want a "better worship experience" but yet they'll sacrifice solid teaching or fail to even consider the doctrinal bent of the new place they land. They want a better (insert age-group here) class. Yet, the reality of this is that they were unhappy long before they left and never bothered to say anything because "they didn't want to cause division." Well, toughen up, Buttercup. That's on them. You'll never make everybody happy across the board, so just be who you are and let your church be what it is...and then be thankful that those people have pretty darn good churches to land in, with a myriad of options where they can grow and be a part of community. Yours doesn't have to be all things to all folks, so if the church down the road has a good Christian school, don't feel the need to compete. Be supportive. If the megachurch up the street wants to have the indoor playground and that's what somebody wants, don't try to compete. Be supportive. You get the idea. Besides, in a lot of cases, you'll get new members who showed up because you've got a better mouse trap.
Rarely Does A Church Act Regarding The Future. People that make up the major demographic in any church (and usually have the money and the leadership positions) like to keep doing the things that "work." Unfortunately, the things that "work" often are in the wheelhouse of those that make the decisions and have the money...which, by reality, the younger ones aren't drawn to as readily. Usually, this is dealt with by designing great facilities and having excellent programs for everybody that doesn't fit the major demographic. This isn't all bad, but do everything in your power to get generations to mix. The teens need to learn from the senior citizens why the great hymns of the faith are the great hymns of the faith (and that you don't have to play them with power chords to make them "fresh") and the major demographic needs to keep the main things the main things, and just smile and be glad the kids are a part of the service and put themselves aside for a week instead of writing truly nasty letters. It isn't about me...and it isn't about you. It's about "us" and the more you can get all of "us" together, the more we'll all grow.
(I've probably got one more of these in me for tomorrow, and then I'll let it rest)
(continued from yesterday's entry)
Your Family Will Sacrifice. Sure, when you were in school, the family was used to you being in the house without being really there, reading books or thinking about what else had to be done for the paper for that important class. But, because of the public nature of your work, people will criticize...and they won't feel particularly obligated to keep it out of earshot of your wife and/or children. Your children will have expectations heaped on them, and your parenting is under a microscope. Your home will be under seige from the "emergencies" (real or loosely-defined) that will wake you up, take you away from dinner, rob you of the night out, etc. In youth ministry, to do it well, the teens HAVE to come over, too...and you've got to go to their stuff an awful lot. Just know this is a reality, much like firemen, doctors, policemen, traveling businessfolk and others--so no pity-parties allowed. This comes with the gig and there's no more nobility in what you have to do than any other profession, and if you're thinking it'll all be spotlights--well, it's really more like a fishbowl. And your wife and kids are in it with you.
Spiritual Formation Is A Slow Business. Eugene Peterson said that and applying that small phrase might just keep you in ministry over the long haul. People are coming from all over the place in their spiritual journey and they all have their strengths and weaknesses. Some folks stroll in from supportive families and others from AA/NA meetings and others from early salvations and others from salvation at 60...you get the drift. When I was younger in ministry, I would live and die with a teen who came to Christ out of the drug world and the ups and downs of his post-salvation experience. Then I realized he'd string together a good week/relapse, good month/relapse, good 6 months/relapse, good year/no relapse, marriage/good decade. It takes time for growth, so patience is crucial. And you'll have teenagers that are further ahead than 45 year-olds, and teenagers who know better blow it consistently and 45-year-olds who turn on a dime and save their marriages. You just choose to love people where they are, teach them as they'll let you, and trust the Holy Spirit to grow them up. You really don't have much to do with that process when it comes right down to it...you just plant and water and let God produce the miracles.
For Youth Pastors: Parents Will Listen To Their Teens As If They've Never Told A Lie. All sorts of teenagers will leave your youth ministry, and they'll give their parents all sorts of high-minded reasons for wanting to go to Really Great Church Across Town. "I'm not learning anything." "I don't have any friends here." "The youth minister only has time for the cool kids." "My boss only schedules me Wednesdays and Sundays." For every one of those, there will be a teen who says he doesn't understand the lessons or they need to go where nobody knows them to start over or the youth minister only has time for the fringe kids. You can't win because the parents never bother to check with you on it, either. They'll actually believe their teen instead of asking you directly, "My teenager says he isn't learning anything. I can't imagine you're playing foosball for an hour every Sunday or you'd get fired, so what are you teaching, how are you teaching it and how can we help my teen have a better experience?" Listen, teens will tell their parents how much they LOVE the Sunday night Sunday school and leave the house only to meet their friends at WingStop--and you'll find this out when that parent tells you how happy they are since their kid is enjoying church, and you haven't seen him in six months. Parents won't really change so just accept it as an occupational hazard and move on...and remember, you've got a lot of kids who lied to their parents, too.
America Has A Consumer Mentality, And It Affects The Church. People will leave your church for all sorts of reasons. Rarely, if ever, will they tell you the real reason. Most of the time, it has something to do with a percieved need they have...like they want a bigger youth group, or a smaller one. They want deeper teaching, or more applicational. They want a "better worship experience" but yet they'll sacrifice solid teaching or fail to even consider the doctrinal bent of the new place they land. They want a better (insert age-group here) class. Yet, the reality of this is that they were unhappy long before they left and never bothered to say anything because "they didn't want to cause division." Well, toughen up, Buttercup. That's on them. You'll never make everybody happy across the board, so just be who you are and let your church be what it is...and then be thankful that those people have pretty darn good churches to land in, with a myriad of options where they can grow and be a part of community. Yours doesn't have to be all things to all folks, so if the church down the road has a good Christian school, don't feel the need to compete. Be supportive. If the megachurch up the street wants to have the indoor playground and that's what somebody wants, don't try to compete. Be supportive. You get the idea. Besides, in a lot of cases, you'll get new members who showed up because you've got a better mouse trap.
Rarely Does A Church Act Regarding The Future. People that make up the major demographic in any church (and usually have the money and the leadership positions) like to keep doing the things that "work." Unfortunately, the things that "work" often are in the wheelhouse of those that make the decisions and have the money...which, by reality, the younger ones aren't drawn to as readily. Usually, this is dealt with by designing great facilities and having excellent programs for everybody that doesn't fit the major demographic. This isn't all bad, but do everything in your power to get generations to mix. The teens need to learn from the senior citizens why the great hymns of the faith are the great hymns of the faith (and that you don't have to play them with power chords to make them "fresh") and the major demographic needs to keep the main things the main things, and just smile and be glad the kids are a part of the service and put themselves aside for a week instead of writing truly nasty letters. It isn't about me...and it isn't about you. It's about "us" and the more you can get all of "us" together, the more we'll all grow.
(I've probably got one more of these in me for tomorrow, and then I'll let it rest)
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