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The Olympics start today. Yes, I'll watch some hockey. Yes, I'll check out some downhill skiing. But let's be honest: These are the goofy winter ones, where they have a sport called the biathlon where you cross country ski and shoot at targets.

They also have a sport called curling, which involves a broom and ice and something that looks like an overgrown iron. You slide the iron and folks with brooms try to make it curl and hit a target. Then the other team tries to knock your iron off the target. It's shuffleboard with medals.

There's also a glorified version of "Dancing With The Stars" called figure skating. They also do that in pairs...and there's a variation called ice dancing but I'm not sure what the difference is.

Of course, the summer ones have stupid sports, too. Rythmic gymnastics comes to mind. As does synchronized diving.

Baseball and softball and bowling and golf aren't Olympic sports, but laying on a sled face down and letting gravity work is.

And seriously, I think that if I applied myself and had a sponsor, I could become a world-class curler. That reality alone should make the IOC reconsider that sport where a near-40 out-of-shape suburbanite thinks he could do it--I mean, I love to snow ski, but I don't think I could take on the giant downhill or ski off a ramp.

So, I propose some new Winter Olympic sports today: Whirlyball and paintball. I'll even consider Laser Tag. Maybe even miniature golf and frisbee golf. Those I think I would be more interesting than the luge.