Yesterday, it dawned on me that I've lived in Texas for almost 9 years. I've also been told by people that have lived here over twice as long that I'll never be a Texan...you have to be born here to get that distinction. I guess I understand that, though. I mean, everyone knows that you can't be a true Southerner unless you've ever been taught that what others call the "Civil War" you call "The War of Northern Aggression." You can't be an Alabamian unless you chose your football team at an early age.

I was wondering what the requirements would be to become at least an honorary Texan...or at the very least an official Dallasite.

For sure, you'd have to have visited the Cradle of Texas Liberty (what the sign on the Alamo really says, right above the one that says "No flash photography. Gentlemen, remove hats."), which, for some odd reason, they've built Marriott hotels and Wendy's restaurants on the actual grounds of the Alamo.

I'd also think you'd have to have developed an unnatural boot need. A pair of boots in the $150 range seems like it matters. In fact, my first neighbor in Texas used old cowboy boots as planters on his porch. He also had a children's potty on his front porch so his potty-training kids wouldn't have to go all the way in the house, which may throw the boots-as-planters decor into question.

You'd have to be able to tell people where things are in relation to the closest mall. For example, if you wanted to find a certain restaurant, you might say, "It's on Greenville, just south of North Park Mall."

You'd definitely have to have attended the State Fair of Texas and ridden the Texas Star ferris wheel. They also have fried Snicker's bars, for crying out loud.

You'd have to have informed your boss that due to the quarter inch of snow, you'll be working at home today.

You'd have to have developed a certain "Mexican food snobbery." You just know, and inform those around you, things like, "Ugh. This salsa is from a jar."

You'd have to watch news broadcasts enough to know that every October, the anchor will say, "And the Neimann-Marcus Christmas catalog was released today, and it contains everything from personal robots to coffee mugs that keep your java warm." This is usually followed by a poor attempt at witty banter and anchor chemistry.

You have to have lived here long enough to compare summers. What I mean is, when someone says, "Man, this summer heat has been brutal." You'd have to be able to respond, "Yeah, it's tough. But it's nothing like '81. THAT was brutal." I also think selective memory and revisionist history play a part in this one.

One last one from my brain before I defer to your comments would be that you'd have to have purchased something "Texan" to give to your friends who don't live here for Christmas. You know, like ice trays that are make ice into Texas-shaped cubes, or "True Texan Chili Powder." Stuff like that.