I Got Tagged In A Note, And Then I Thought About It For A Second

I got tagged in one of those notes people share on Facebook. Usually, people that take the time to tag me in notes know what I like, and, like many of you, I chuckled a little after reading "Valentine's Day: The Movie" by Jonah Goldberg. Here it is in case you didn't get it forwarded:

"Valentines Day: The Movie" By Jonah Goldberg.

"No I won't be seeing it, unless some rogue CIA squad, acting on bad intel, mistakes me for an al-Qaeda sleeper agent, kidnaps me, and drags me to the theater on the assumption that exposure to the film is the fastest way to break me.

But, I am fascinated with the fundamental stupidity of films like this. They work on the assumption that super-successful, funny, kind, well-adjusted, and hot-as-magma women can't find dates. I watched a clip on one of the talk shows where Jessica Biel — Queen of Planet Smoking Hot — is wigging out because no one will ask her out.

Meanwhile, these movies assume that absurdly handsome, super-sensitive rich and successful dudes, who love their dogs and mothers, do carpentry for orphans in their spare time but who're still manly enough to punch out jerks who threaten the honor of women, have a really hard time in the dating department, too.

Yes, I know movies are fantasies blah blah blah. But you wouldn't cast a filipino midget in the role of Indiana Jones. And yet these movies cast beautiful people — I mean crazy, designed in an East German lab beautiful people — in roles that only make sense for the basically normal looking. In the play Frankie and Johnny, the female lead was played by Kathy Bates. In the movie, Michelle Pfeiffer got the role. And Pfeiffer couldn't do better than an ex-con short-order cook in a low-rent diner.

Frankly, I find the plot of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel more plausible."

Like I said, I chuckled.

I mean, we've seen the trailers and, yes, it's got a slew of actors with nicknames like McDreamy and the chiseled-abs of Phil from The Hangover and the boyishly charming and funny Punk'd star.

And yes, it's got a gorgeous Princess of Genovia (but I thought she was more attractive playing a raging alcoholic, but to each his own, right?), the #3 woman listed on a men's magazine's Top 100 Sexiest Women list, and a college beauty queen turned martial-arts using CIA spy (level SD-6).

Now, don't get me wrong here. Jonah can avoid whatever movies he wants to avoid. And he writes for a certain kind of audience to get the precise reaction he got out of me: A chuckle.

But then I slowed down and thought about his reasoning for a second.

He claimed the movie's premise was "fundamentally stupid" and on the assumption that the "Queen of Planet Smoking Hot" can't find dates. That they're ultra-successful, smart, funny, etc. Same for the guys. They're all absurdly handsome, dog-loving and can win a bar brawl if need be. They can't find dates either. But is this really "fundamentally stupid?"

Think about the girl or guy you thought was unattainable in high school or college.

He might've been the starting quarterback or could throw a fastball 93 miles an hour or the class clown. She might've been the homecoming queen or lead actress in the school play or looked incredible in a swimsuit.

And even the ultra popular and ultra successful had times when they couldn't get dates. Maybe word got around that the quarterback was a jerk. Or the pitcher used drugs. Or the class clown never got serious and was put in the "friend zone." Or the homecoming queen had an eating disorder, or the lead actress was a psycho or the swimsuit girl was, well, not really all that bright or funny or interesting.

See, at some point, somebody eventually gets to know the Queen of Planet Smoking Hot or Sensitive Dog-Lover. The good and the bad.

And, at some point, everybody loves a good story about how Mr. Has-Everything really doesn't have everything. Word gets around, whether its in a tabloid or the high school gossip circle or church youth group or ladies Bunco group.

And, PRESTO! Hot-As-Magma Princess doesn't have a date. Ultra-rich Stock Broker has a few spots open on the dance card.

It happens. I mean, Jennifer Aniston has had men leave her. Julia Roberts has had a marriage fail. Jessica Simpson had most of a city dislike her because she simply distracted our quarterback.

But they're REAL people who happen to be ultra-successful and talented and likely funny and smart and (depending on your taste) hot as magma. And for one reason or another, they were hurt by people they loved...or at least liked and maybe wanted to go on a date with. Somebody decided they weren't date-worthy.

Like Howard Stern once said long before his marriage broke up, when asked why he didn't have affairs with all the women that came on to him in his studio, he responded by saying that he thought Pamela Anderson was the sexiest woman in American history but she had a history of failed relationships. Then he told himself, "Somebody out there somewhere is tired of her for some reason. And I'd likely figure out what that reason was sooner rather than later." And yes, Howard's marriage eventually failed. No matter how funny or successful or innovative he may be. But I bet it hurt. I bet his wife hurt. I bet his kids hurt.

So, Jonah. Enjoyed the writing. I "got" it. It was good for what you intended it for.

But the reality is that it is plausible that the ultra-beautiful ultra-rich ultra-successful don't have the market cornered on happy lives or successful relationships or enjoyable social gatherings. They're people, just like us, with warts and moles, varied levels of intelligence, differing backgrounds and life-experiences, religious beliefs, bank accounts that ebb and flow, stupid habits and all that jazz. Sometimes, they go dateless.

But the movie's premise isn't "fundamentally stupid."

It might be flawed...or even unlikely. But it is, at the very least, plausible from what I can tell.

And it won't win Oscars or anything like that, but even the "have's" don't "have" everything we think they "have." Even syndicated radio show hosts who write for the National Review and have had New York Times best-sellers have gone dateless at times in their lives...even if the college they went to was a former women's college in the 2nd year of admitting men. My guess is that you had a lot going for you at the time, and went to college where the girls FAR outweighed the boys. Ever dateless at Goucher, Jonah?

Just thinking out loud, and I really don't care about the movie one way or another. I mean, I'll probably go and I'll take it for what it's worth, just like I would if I went to see The Squeakquel.

*cues R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" and asks the patrons what they think*

P.S. Happy snow days!